Whenever I find myself growing grim about the mouth, whenever it is a damp, drizzly October in my soul, I account it high time to get to sea as soon as I can. Specifically, I dream of cruise liners. I’ve never been on an ocean cruise, but I’ve been on at least two North Sea ferries and in my mind, cruise ships are paradise.
They are places of luxury and possibly a few exotic murders – ocean-going adventurelands that perversely harbour swimming pools and waterslides. Imagine it, a boat with a pool. Such delicious unreason. Here to disabuse me of these visions is No More Robot’s Cruise Control, which makes cruise ships look like hell.
It’s a management sim created by a team who include former Overcooked developers, but for all the ability to construct “fine dining” facilities, I see little of Overcooked’s saucy joyfulness in the trailer. I see suffocating bingo halls and arcade machines crammed together like tombstones. I see crowds so dense the people have no choice but to walk through each other.
I see trash and vomit and despairing janitors. I see carpet patterns that follow like a tedious argument of insidious intent. I see potted cinemas that resemble factory farm incubators. I see dollar signs floating up from smiling, empty heads. Worst of all, I can’t see any waterslides or swimming pools.
You wish to know what it’s like to participate in this inhumane simulation, this abject spawn of the Bermuda triangle? Very well. Cruise Control looks like a familiar rhythm of ensuring your ship has the facilities to keep your customers happy, while avoiding long queues to attractions and mechanical breakdowns. The more guests you serve, the more amenities you’ll acquire and upgrade. Perhaps there’s a waterslide to unlock, once enough bodies have been fed to the dancefloors. Fail to amuse the clientele sufficiently, and they’ll send you direct to Davey Jones’ Locker. Fools! We are all already there.
You can read more on Steam. It’s out in 2026, and is the work of Not Tonight developers No More Robots. No More Robots are also publishers – their recent signings include Little Rocket Lab, a Stardew factory sim that I have downloaded the demo for and feel guilty about not playing yet. Final anecdote: I have a musician friend who once worked on a cruise liner. He lives on a boat now. I’m not sure he’s really my friend. Perhaps my friend is still out there, queuing for bingo in the doldrums, and some creature of the deep sea has stolen his face.
