The human world is a tedious place consisting of grocery trips, laundry and tax returns, so let’s all go be janky-ass wolves. We shall coordinate to bring down elk amidst the engulfing winter snows of the Yellowstone Caldera, duel with cougars under starbound skies, and do adorable bellywiggles in what is possibly our own poop, though I’m not sure if the simulation covers the entire lupine digestive cycle. If that’s not enticement enough, we can do some wolf sex and raise a litter of cubs together. We shall manage our cubs by means of leather spreadsheets that look like they were recently mauled by hungry, horny wolves.
WolfQuest! The very name huffs and splutters the same spirit of tacky adventure I once inhaled from shareware CD game compilations back in the 1990s. You know, that glorious epoch when you could just slam together two random words around a capital letter and really bottle the lightning. CheeseWang! HatShoe!
This isn’t quite that old: I gather that the original concept for WolfQuest is from 2005. It’s an open world simulation with a pronounced educational component (yes, there is a wolfopedia) set in the Yellowstone National Park. Developers eduweb have just released an anniversary edition out of early access, and I am writing about it because this is precisely the morale boost I need in a week of staff departures and calibrating the acceptability of pseudo-incest. Here’s a trailer.
It speaks terribly for my state of mind that I am still laughing at the bit in the trailer when one of your pups gets stolen by an eagle. Ah dang, that’s the third one this week! It also speaks terribly of my state of mind that I can’t stop laughing at this line on the Steam page: “Build a pack and raise pups year to year in a special 2-Player Mode, until one of you dies of old age.” In the game, yes? In the game, right, eduweb?
I also can’t stop laughing at the mention of an “IronWolf” mode. I know they’re referring to permadeath in XCOM, but come on, tell me that there isn’t something innately hilarious about an iron wolf. Let’s see those fucking eagles fly off with that one! Who’s top of the foodchain now, you godless skyweasels? I’ll bellywiggle on your grave.
I am going to have an extended cackle in the cupboard and see if I can get it all out of my system. While I’m away, here are some bullet points to answer any WolfQuestions you might care to ask.
- Live the life of a wild wolf! Form your own pack and watch your adorable pups grow into adults and disperse, year after year, until your wolf dies. End your story on your deathbed, or select an heir to continue your legacy.
- Dynamic day/night, weather and seasons immerse you into the wilderness.
- Wolves communicate with each other using natural actions and vocalizations. Packmates and pups interact and play with each other. Dynamic (family-friendly) courtship interactions help find and choose a suitable mate.
- A genetics system models inheritance of each wolf’s genes, including eye color, physical and personality attributes, and genetic coat color.
- Elk roam the lands in realistic herds, along with moose, mule deer, beavers and other prey.
- Animals behave and change to the seasons. Herds migrate through the year. Bucks and bulls spar in the autumn rut and shed their antlers. Cows and does give birth and raise their own young.
- Rival wolf packs maintain and protect their own territories from intruders – like you!
- Bears, cougars and coyotes will challenge you for their kills and defend their own.
- Optional Ironwolf Mode: Live life on the edge, where each decision counts and your death can’t be taken back.
- Over 100 Achievements and a variety of collectible objects hidden across the map, from shed antlers, skulls, to lost human items.
- And a lot more!
The only WolfQuestion I have is: why did I not play this back in 2008, when Jim Rossignol (RPS in peace) first wrote about it? “RPS Wolfpack, anyone?” he queried at the time. “I got stuck in a Moose,” objected Kieron Gillen (also RPS in peace) in the comments, declining to share vital context in a way that has just now come back to haunt him.
Alas and alack – as far as I can tell, Jim and Kieron did not subsequently have bizarro wolf/moose sex and start a distinct subspecies that survives and thrives on a long-forgotten server somewhere. Still, there’s no reason we can’t pick up where they left off. Perhaps I can persuade Graham to secure his legacy by participating in some wilderness doggo-bonking before he quits.
