There is not a single possible timeline where a Fortnite movie is not an exercise in the further diminishment of the motion picture, one more experiment in seeing how effective two-hour commercials can be. And yet if you survey those timelines, it’s also impossible seeing one where this movie doesn’t get made. Doesn’t tease itself agonisingly in its own game, promoted breathlessly by Travis Scott as he wears a K-Pop band’s tshirt and throws a football to Iron Man—wearing a Chiefs jersey—who then dunks it into a basketball ring that transforms into a McNugget.

This is what sucks about Epic, and Fortnite, and the way cinema and popular culture are intersecting in the 21st century. We’re going to get the thing their shareholders want, instead of the something that might actually be cool. And by cool I mean I would much rather see Epic spend the cash on Facing Worlds, an anime series based on Unreal Tournament instead.

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